The Rules Of The Normandy
by Trishata96
Summary: Caterina Shepard has a set of rules she abides by. And it is time her crew knew them. (Inspired by NCIS and Special Agent Gibb's Rules.)
1. Caterina's Rules

_I have been watching too much NCIS... That is all you need to know. And my Renegade Shepard seems the type to have rules like Gibbs does. If you want me to do other crew mates rules then ask._

_Some of the rules are from NCIS but have been altered slightly._

* * *

Lt. Commander Caterina Shepard was, as always in her usual spot before her shift started, the mess table, sipping black coffee. Except there was a slight change this time. This time, Shepard was working on a datapad, furiously typing something up. Which was somewhat strange, thought Alenko to himself as he made himself some coffee. He knew Shepard didn't do reports in the morning and she was usually a creature of habit. Kaidan went to his usual spot across from Shepard and began checking his omni-tool for messages.

"Lieutenant." Said Shepard briefly as a curt greeting, which was normal, Shepard was all business on duty, no nonsense. Kaidan returned the greeting with a brief 'Ma'am' and a curt nod.

" If you are going to ask, ask away Alenko." The sudden statement caused Alenko to jump slightly as the green eyes began drilling him. That was something he was never going to get used to. Shepard clearly was a master of body language, able to ananlyse it easily, no matter how closed somebody was. After a beat or two of silence Shepard muttered an explannation. "You have that curious look on your face. The one where you really want to ask something but you feel like you'd end up with a boot up your rear."

"It just feels like prying Ma'am."

"I pry you after every mission and ask about your past. You can return the favor Alenko."

"Okay. What are you writing? Because I know you don't do reports in the morning, Ma'am." Shepard smirked.

"Always attentive to detail, aren't you Alenko? Good quality. And it is a list of rules, thought I'd finally write them down."

"Rules? You mean the ones you keep quoting at me and the crew?"

"Yes, those rules. Rules my father and Drill Sergerant taught me. Didn't your father teach you a few from his days serving?"

"Yeah but only two. Always carry a knife and Never mess with a marine's coffee."

"Rules nine and twenty three? Good choice. Do you obey them?" Kaidan reached down to his boot and pulled out a knife from a sheath he had inside the boot. Caterina quirked an eyebrow in amusement as he put it back. "Clever and a little naughty since the knife is not metalic, meaning you can take it with you past weapon scanners." Shepard tutted in a light-hearted manner, a wry smile on her lips.

"Rule number 4, don't always rely on your Biotics, Omni-tool or/and guns." Quoted Alenko.

"You have your own set of rules, Alenko?"

"Only five of them, Ma'am. Why? How many do you have?"

"About 50." Said the Commander simply, causing Kaidan to splutter slighty.

"Damn, I can see why you are writing them down."

"Don't worry I know them all off by heart, I was thinking about teaching you and the rest of the team them. Then you know what I am going on about." Shepard then slid the pad across to Alenko, who took it as a cue to read the rules.

* * *

_1. Never screw over a Teammate_

_1a. Do screw over a Teammate, IF, they screw you over first._

_2. Don't lie to a teammate or CO._

_3. Don't believe what you are told, Double check._

_4. Never be unreachable._

_5. Don't waste Talent._

_6. Saying sorry is a sign of weakness._

_7. Be specific when you lie._

_8. Don't take anything for granted._

_9. Always carry a knife._

_10. If personally involved in a assignment/mission. Walk away._

_11. When you've done your orders, walk away._

_12. Never date a co-worker._

_13. Never, ever, ever, ever involve politcions._

_14. Know your limits._

_15. Always work as a team._

_16. If someone thinks they have the upper hand, snap/shoot it off._

_17. Know your team's limits_

_18. Better to seek forgiveness than ask permission._

_19. Everyone is a suspect until proven otherwise._

_20. If your CO tells you to stay out of something, then do so_

_21. If you are certain you can help your CO, forget about Rule 20._

_22. Never distract your CO when they are interrograting someone._

_23. Never mess with a Marine's coffee if you want to live or keep all your limbs._

_24. Try not to let Laywers get involved._

_25. Don't give interviews to Reporters_

_26. Resist the urge to punch polictions... even if they deserve it_

_27. Two ways to follow someone. Uno. They never notice you. Due. They only notice you._

_28. Always have a plan B, C, D, E and F_

_29. If you come up with a plan Z then you are overthinking or Paranoid_

_30. Know when to question your superiors._

_31. Know when to stand up to your superiors._

_32. Punching/stabbing things always make you feel better._

_33. Keep your friends close but your enemies closer, it's easier to stab them in the back then._

_34. If you are going to bitch about someone in another language, make sure they don't know it first._

_35. Always watch the Watchers._

_36. If you think you are being played/used. Then you most likely are._

_37. Always obey the Medical Doctor. She/He knows more about medicine than you do. _

_38. Your case, your lead._

_39. No such thing as concidence or a small world/galaxy._

**_Emergancy rules_**

_40. If it seems someone is out to get you, then they are._

_41. Only make a backroom deal in the direst of situations_

_42. Never accept an apology from someone who just suckerpunched you._

_43. Buildings, posessions, vechiles and gear can be rebuilt or replaced. People CAN NOT._

_44. First things first, hide the non-combatants and children._

_45. You make a mess... you clean it up._

_46. If you know something bad is going to go down and no one believes you and will not let you stop it. Stop it from happening anyway._

_47. The needs of many, outweigh the needs of one._

_48. If someone kills friend or family, make them pay for it... with interest._

_49. If the situation is really, really bad. Fuck the rules._

_50. Sometimes you are wrong._

* * *

"Dare I ask about Rule 34, Commander?"

"No, Lieutenant. You may not."

"Understood Ma'am. "

"Good now pass it back, I need to send this to the rest of the team."


	2. ME1 Rules

_The other crew member's rules. Each one has a set of five or more._

* * *

**_Kaidan Alenko_**

_1. Stay in control... Always._

_2. Only use Omni-Gel if the hack fails and you are locked out._

_3. Always carry a knife._

_4. Don't always rely on your Biotics, Omni-Tool or/and guns._

_5. Don't judge a person by their appearance but by their character._

_6. Never mess with a Marine's coffee._

* * *

**_Ashley Williams_**

_1. A Williams has to be better than the best._

_2. You want trust, you have to earn it._

_3. You can't trust everyone you meet._

_4. Keep your gear in top condition, you are only as good as your gear._

_5. Politicians are idiots and hated for a reason. _

* * *

**_Garrus Vakarian_**

_1. You can't calibrate anything too much_

_2. Some people deserve a bullet to the head._

_3. Rules are meant to be broken at times_

_4. Never go anywhere without your visor._

_5. Red tape is your foe. Kill it with fire._

_6. Lifts are the best place to enquire about people's cultures._

* * *

**_Tali'Zorah Nar Raaya_**

_1. Nexus is the best. Not the Logic Arrest._

_2. Never trust an AI_

_3. Prove everyone wrong about Quarians_

_4. The Shotgun is the best way to say Hello._

_5. Always check your food first before eating it._

* * *

**_Urdnot Wrex_**

_1. If it doesn't open, shoot it._

_2. If it won't die, shoot it again._

_3. If someone is in your face, headbutt them._

_4. Salarian liver is best served raw._

_5. Some traditions are stupid and need to be dropped._

_6. Ask everyone who'd win in a fight between Shepard and them._

* * *

**_Liara T'Soni_**

_1. Avoid public speaking._

_2. Honesty is the best policy._

_3. Violence is not always the answer_

_4. Treat others how you want to be treated._

_5. Threatening people is not the best course of action._

* * *

**_Joker_**

_1. Never damage the Normandy if you want to live._

_2. Everyone is allowed their Porn._

_3. If the ship goes down, Joker goes down with it._

_4. Beards are cool. The chicks like beards._

_5. Leather seats are the best._

* * *

_**Karin Chakwas**_

_1. Nobody leaves the Med-bay without being discharged_

_2. If someone attempts to break Rule 1, sedate them, medically or physically._

_3. Emergency stash only to be accessed at times of great celebration or depression. _

_4. If someone refuses to come to the Med-Bay, slip a sedative in their coffee._

_5. If Jeff refuses medication, threaten to tell CO about his stash of XXX vids._

_6. Anyone who makes Dr Hacksaw jokes, will suffer._

* * *

**_David Anderson_**

_1. You can't control somethings._

_2. Say that Anderson has a resemblance to 'Keith David' or 'Julius Little' and you will suffer._

_3. A soldier is only as good as their gear and ability._

_4. To ask for help is not a sign of weakness, but don't rely on it._

_5. Punching Politicians may not help, but it feels good._

* * *

_All these rules are based on the characters, how they were in Mass Effect 1 and a few inside jokes. I may do a few one shots of them changing their rules throughout the Trilogy or the other crew mates in later games._

_Oh and the guest who said Rule 34 was not applicable in the Universe of Mass Effect. It does apply in Mass Effect. James speaks Spanish on several occasions, even saying a full sentence in it. This is not translated for Shepard. Which means English seems to be the main lingo for humans and other human languages are not translated, perhaps due to the amount and complexity of them, or to preserve those languages. Also some alien words are not translated, such as 'Siha'._


	3. Kaidan's Rule 7

_In which Kaidan makes a new rule after Virmire  
_

* * *

He looked at the empty workbench, the weapons staying uncleaned and the small book of poetry that Ashley knew... had known off by heart. Gingerly he laid a hand on the work bench, standing right where she should be standing. Where she would be cleaning the weapons and cracking jokes as he helped. Memories floated back to him as he reflected.

One stood out from the rest.

He had come down slightly late, to clean his gear. He had been held up by Chakwas enquiring as to his injuries gained from the last mission. When he had got to the cargo, he had stepped out of the elevator only to hear a voice. It had been Ashley's sister in a mail vid but Alenko couldn't help but laugh at what he heard.

"Oh and before I go, we saw Kaidan in a news vid about the Normandy. He's cute. Later sis." Ashley had immediately turned around, chuckling nervously, a blush spreading over her face.

"Tell me you didn't hear that... please." She said, half groaning at the sheer embrassment.

"I'm all ears beautiful." He had said, a grin plastered over his face.

"Oh shoot me now."

"Is that an order Chief?" From then on Kaidan had constanly ribbed her over it, in a light=hearted manner. It had quickly became part of their camerderie, he had always reminded her of it and would jokingly incinuate that he'd tell Joker.

And now... he couldn't anymore. She was gone... the little sister he never had was gone... forever.

Swallowing, he took out the cleaning kit and began to do Ash's job. But first he turned on his Omni-tool and edited a document, adding another rule.

_7. Never leave anyone behind, ever again._


	4. Joker's New no 3

**_Joker changes Rule 3_**

* * *

Joker glanced at the half empty glass of Vodka as he brooded in his quarters. Or was it half full? In fact hadn't it been full a minute ago? Damn he was going though it fast... Good thing he'd smuggled in more than one bottle. As he reached out to refill his glass, his omni-tool beeped.

It lit up, hurting Joker's eyes in the near darkness he had isolated himself in. He checked the display, someone was calling him and that someone was Kaidan Alenko. Rolling his eyes he declined the call. Before he continued, he opened up a word document.

'Might as well do it while the Omni-tool was active.' He thought to himselfas he began to edit the document named 'Joker's rules'. He scrolled down to Rule 3 and deleted it, typing up a new rule 3.

"I'm sorry Shepard... I'm so sorry... I should have gone to the escape pod... If I had, then you'd be alive." He muttered, a tear streaking down his face as he knocked back another shot of vodka. He looked over his new rule 3 and swore to stick to it before shutting down his Omni-Tool.

"Here's to you Caterina. From your _Figoli di Puttana_ pilot." He said, raising a glass to toast Caterina's spirit as he began memorising the new rule number 3:

_When told to abandon ship, DO IT!_

* * *

**_Just a shorty for Joker. Okay, I am trying to make rule sets for the ME2 characters, but I am getting a little stuck on some. Care to spend in suggestions?_**

**_Trishata96_**


End file.
